


A Series of Slightly Violent Events

by Hokuto



Category: Bleach
Genre: Awkwardness, Fight Sex, Flirting, Frottage, M/M, Paperwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-31
Updated: 2012-08-31
Packaged: 2017-11-13 05:53:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hokuto/pseuds/Hokuto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The worst part of being a captain was, of course, the paperwork.  The second worst part was having an obnoxious subordinate after his ass.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Series of Slightly Violent Events

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sacrificedalice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sacrificedalice/gifts).



The worst part of being a captain was, of course, the paperwork.

"- and fifteen counts of assaulting superior officers, for which the regulation punishment is -"

The second worst part was that when the paperwork had reached heights that could no longer be ignored or shoved out of sight, that damned peacock Yumichika was the one who'd popped up with piles of forms and a cheerful smile, offering to help Kenpachi catch up. Hah. As if Kenpachi really cared. But shit had to get done somehow or old man Yamamoto would be breathing fire down his neck, so he and Yumichika had broken down a path to the building that was technically the Eleventh Division's main office and settled in.

"- although in our division assaulting superior officers is generally encouraged, so I would suggest a short stint in the punishment cells to be compensated with bonus pay."

Kenpachi grunted in agreement and squinted down at the forms he was supposed to be signing. He hated writing, and his hand was already cramped from signing shit all afternoon and well into whatever hour of the night it was now. Who the fuck did this for the other captains? Their lieutenants, probably.

He looked over at Yachiru; she was busy drawing elaborate flower designs on Ikkaku's head while Ikkaku slept the sleep of the happily drunk and drooled slightly on the floor. Ikkaku had arrived sometime during the endless stream of forms and reports, Kenpachi vaguely remembered, although since he wasn't helping who the fuck knew why he had bothered to show up, except that Kenpachi hardly ever saw him without Yumichika tagging along or Yumichika without him. Weird pair.

"- complaints of stealing from the lost property office, although most of what disappears is candy, so I suspect -"

How the fuck did Ikkaku, who was a straightforward and aggressive bastard after Kenpachi's own heart, put up with Yumichika's endless nattering? There was a question for the fucking ages. Earplugs, maybe. Earplugs sounded great about now. And maybe a big fucking bonfire that he could accidentally drop the rest of the paperwork in.

"Oh, and new recruit Saburou has requested a slight increase in pay to cover laundry expenses."

"The fuck?"

"Ah, I'm afraid I cleaned the language up a little bit," Yumichika said. He smirked, which somehow made his irritatingly pretty face a little more tolerable. "The actual phrasing of the note on the form is, 'Can I get a raise, I keep pissing my hakama whenever Captain Zaraki shows up at practices and the laundry people want more money'."

Kenpachi grinned unpleasantly. "Tell the scaredy-cat to transfer divisions or man the fuck up. Is that all?" Fuck, he hoped that was all, he wanted to get a drink and raise some hell to make up for wasting half the day on this crap.

"Sorry, Captain, that only brings us up to the end of last month." Yumichika put aside the forms he'd been reading from and produced another stack. "For this month, we have twenty-two reports of -"

Oh, hell no. He wasn't wasting one more minute listening to Yumichika's stupid smooth voice reading another month's worth of reports about petty brawls and idiots who'd ended up in the wrong division. He dropped the papers and brush in his hands and leaned over the table to grab Yumichika by his stupid orange collar with every intention of throwing the asshole out of the building, and his useless drunk friend, too.

Unfortunately Yumichika had just leaned forward to reach for something, and instead of a smooth grab and throw Kenpachi's face accidentally crashed against Yumichika's in exactly the wrong way - or the right way, some people might have said, but not Zaraki Kenpachi - to smash their mouths together. The sheer ridiculousness of it kept Kenpachi from immediately jumping back and grabbing his sword to hit something, and that gave the wiggly bastard time to shove all the paperwork off the table, lean over it, and turn the accident into an actual kiss. With a little tongue in it, and a lot of pressing himself against Kenpachi's chest, and wait a second, just what did the asshole think he was doing with that hand?

Well, fuck.

Kenpachi bit down on Yumichika's stupidly soft lips and then shoved him away, which somehow sent the table flying with stacks of paper scattering everywhere. "The hell was that about?" he growled. "I thought you and the bald bastard over there -" Okay, so he'd never actually thought about it, but if he had, he would have assumed that Ikkaku and Yumichika had some kind of thing going on, since you couldn't swing a sword to hit one of them without slicing the other up too.

Yumichika giggled, making Kenpachi long for earplugs again. "It's a little more complicated than that, Captain," he said, glancing fondly over at Ikkaku; Kenpachi looked too and was relieved to see that Yachiru had gotten tired of drawing on Ikkaku and fallen asleep, drooling all over her art. "He does have a certain charm, but sometimes I like to broaden my aesthetic horizons..."

Whatever the hell _that_ meant. "Broaden 'em on someone else, then."

"If that's what you really want," Yumichika said, smiling in a way that looked like the opposite of agreeing and licking a trace of blood from his lips. Damn, with that smile his face wasn't nearly so irritating for some reason... "Are you sure you don't need a hand first?"

"Shut up and read the fucking reports."

"I'll have to find them first - you made quite a mess, Captain."

"The hell - that's your mess! You deal with it!"

The bastard just giggled again.

Next time, Kenpachi was going to blow up the fucking office.

* * *

Kenpachi was starting to see Yumichika everywhere. It was sort of understandable, he guessed; someone had to take care of the organizational shit, and since most of the time that someone wasn't either Kenpachi or Yachiru, it might as well be someone with an actual rank like fifth seat. It was just that while Yumichika or someone must have been taking care of organizational shit for quite a while, Kenpachi didn't remember it involving so much "Captain, about this" and "Captain, about that" all the fucking time.

"Captain, about the wall repairs -"

"Just do whatever you did last time and stop bothering me!"

"About the wall repairs," Yumichika went on, unfazed, "the engineering corps had an idea - do you think it would be more efficient to simply put doors in where the current holes are, or would you break those down, too?"

"Uh." Kenpachi glared to stall for time and ignored Yachiru's giggling in his right ear. "Might as well try the doors."

"Duly noted, Captain." Yumichika smiled. He smiled too much, that bastard. "If you would just stamp these authorization forms, I'll inform the engineers right away."

Kenpachi grabbed the stamp Yumichika was holding out, stamped the papers, and stomped off.

"Ken-chan, Ken-chan!" Yachiru bounced on his shoulder, tugging at his ear.

"What?"

"Yun-Yun's following us a lot lately, isn't he? I think he liiiiiiiikes you."

"Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well," Yachiru said, "he smiles at you lots and keeps coming to talk to you and I heard him and Pachinko-head talking and he said he wanted to tear off your hakama and -"

"Never mind."

* * *

Kenpachi had meant to destroy the Eleventh Division's main office before he had to sign any more forms, but he'd gone in first to make sure no alcohol had been left behind and stopped dead at the sight of the table.

There were _flowers_ on it. In an arrangement. Fresh ones, light purple, in clusters, and Kenpachi immediately thought _wisteria_ , then cursed. What the fuck? He must've picked the name up from Yachiru somehow.

Of course Yumichika was there too, ready with stacks of paper, and Ikkaku was snoozing in the corner. Of course. Yumichika smiled up at Kenpachi. "Captain, what luck! I was just thinking that I should go find you so we could work on -"

"Get this shit out of here!"

"The flowers?" Yumichika shrugged. "If you insist, but really, I brought them in for _my_ sake, not yours. The office is so plain, and wisteria is my -"

"Just get rid of them," Kenpachi snarled. "Who the fuck can work with flowers in their face?"

By the time Yumichika returned without the arrangement of wisteria, Kenpachi had settled in with the paperwork and completely forgotten about his plan to blow up the office; at least the two of them could get some shit done without flowers stinking up the place.

* * *

The purple eyepatch went straight in the trash, even if it did come with a note from Mayuri claiming that it had a 7.89332% increase in reiatsu suppression efficiency.

* * *

The day Kenpachi woke up from a nap and found Yachiru with a sprig of purple flowers stuck behind one ear writing "Yun-Yun + Ken-chan" all over the floor was the day he decided he'd had fucking enough. He grabbed his sword, slung Yachiru over his shoulder, and went to find Yumichika.

The scrawny bastard was on patrol with Ikkaku, chattering away, of course, while Ikkaku hummed something tunelessly and cleaned his ear - until Kenpachi slashed his sword down in front of their stupid faces. That got their attention.

"Can we help you with something, Captain?" Yumichika said.

"You," he said, angling the sword's tip to point at Yumichika. "We're settling this right fucking now, you bastard. No more dancing around and stupid questions and flowers, just you and me, a real fight."

Yumichika exchanged glances with Ikkaku; Ikkaku grinned and said, "I told you this was your lucky day. Go for it!"

"All right," said Yumichika. "What about Lieutenant Yachiru?"

"I wanna watch! I wanna watch Yun-Yun and Ken-chan fight!"

"Yeah, not this time," Kenpachi said, picking her up off his shoulder and holding her out towards Ikkaku. "You keep her busy."

Ikkaku's grin reversed itself instantly. "Oh, no way -"

"Be sure to play nice with the lieutenant," Yumichika said sweetly as Yachiru wrapped herself around Ikkaku's head with her biggest troublemaking smile. "Now, Captain, I believe there's a free training ground just over here..."

Kenpachi had to admit to himself that putting the extra doors in the walls had made it faster for him to get around, and they reached the empty training ground in a few minutes instead of a few hours. He shut the doors and turned around to find Yumichika already in the center of the practice ground with his zanpakutou drawn.

Kenpachi grinned and attacked.

Yumichika fought hard and straightforwardly, without the flair that Kenpachi had expected; his face was set in a grim expression that in Kenpachi's opinion improved his looks by a lot, but there was something - missing. Kenpachi hacked at him and Yumichika blocked well enough without making any serious attempt to strike back, without having any _fun_. That wasn't right. He might be an annoying, prissy weirdo, but Kenpachi knew damn well that Yumichika was a real member of the Eleventh and loved a good fight as much as anyone else in the division.

Kenpachi's eye narrowed, and he struck at Yumichika's face, trying to get the scrawny bastard's fighting spirit up. Yumichika's mask of concentration didn't crack, but he began retreating under Kenpachi's hacking strikes, until Kenpachi had him backed against one of the walls. Kenpachi put all his weight into one more swing and Yumichika caught it on his sword just above his head, but his arms shook slightly with the effort. Kenpachi sneered. "What the hell? I thought you were stronger than this," he said. "Why don't you lighten up and fight for -"

Without a flicker of a change in his face Yumichika kicked Kenpachi's left foot out from under him, knocked Kenpachi's sword aside, and head-butted Kenpachi in the chin hard enough to put him flat on his ass.

Huh. Sometimes Kenpachi did forget that both Yumichika and Ikkaku were technically qualified to be lieutenants if Yachiru ever got tired of the job. Yumichika had ended up sprawled on top of Kenpachi with his zanpakutou at Kenpachi's throat; he finally had a wicked smile on his face as he said, "There - I hope you weren't _too_ disappointed."

 _Nah_ was what Kenpachi meant to say, but Yumichika shifted his weight against him in just the right way - or the wrong way, Kenpachi had no fucking idea anymore - and what came out was "Nnngh."

"Was that a yes or a no?" Yumichika lifted the edge of his sword away from Kenpachi's neck and laid it aside, still smiling. "You really ought to speak more clearly, Captain."

"Oh, shut up," Kenpachi said, and he reached up to yank Yumichika's head down to his.

It was a good kiss, by Kenpachi's standards, which meant it involved biting, blood, and some confusion about who was in charge of it. Yumichika's skinny hands were already busy with the ties of their hakama; his orange collar and the top of his uniform had come loose in the fight, revealing some surprisingly decent muscles underneath. Kenpachi pulled the cloth looser - why the hell would Yumichika hide perfectly good muscles like that? - and was about to shove Yumichika over when Yumichika got their hakama untied and started grinding against him in what Kenpachi had finally decided was the exact right way.

A minute later their cocks were out and Kenpachi had his hand around both of them, Yumichika was bracing himself with his hands splayed against Kenpachi's chest and thrusting into Kenpachi's hand with a rough, raw friction that was getting Kenpachi so hard it was painful, and Kenpachi's hips bucked up, seeking more. Yumichika's nails dug into Kenpachi's chest as he shifted the angle of his thrusts and fuck, that felt _great_ ; Kenpachi's grip tightened a little, and he stroked a calloused thumb up and down the lengths of their cocks as they rubbed against each other.

Another couple of sweaty, grinding minutes and Yumichika panted "Captain" against Kenpachi's cheek and came. Kenpachi gave himself a few more strokes and then let himself come, too, satisfied that at least he'd outlasted Yumichika.

It was a brief sense of triumph, however; Yumichika moved off him at once and began putting his uniform back into order. Kenpachi watched him with a weird fascination - how could anyone have a quick fuck on the ground and still look that neat? - but when Yumichika stood up and headed for the doors Kenpachi said, "What's the fucking hurry?"

"I'm sorry, Captain," Yumichika said, without turning around, "but I really shouldn't be abandoning my duties for very long. And I expect Ikkaku could use a little help right now..."

Kenpachi just stared. The hell was this? The wiggly bastard spent weeks cozying up to him and now that Kenpachi had given in (in a manner of speaking), he wanted to go back to work instead of taking an afternoon off to fuck? There was no way to win. And come to think of it... "Hey - you didn't even release your zanpakutou. What kind of fight is that?"

"Hm, I didn't?" Yumichika paused, and Kenpachi could _hear_ the smirk in his voice. "Then you'll just have to try harder next time."

Then he was gone, leaving Kenpachi sprawled in the dirt and sticky with sweat and come, but even so, Kenpachi found himself grinning.

Hey, at least there would be a next time.

* * *

Somehow, rainy days just made the paperwork worse. There was nothing like the knowledge that Kenpachi couldn't go out and find a decent fight because some weak assholes couldn't handle their footing in the mud to make the office feel more stifling than it already was, especially with the smell of the flower arrangement that had found its way back onto the table filling the air. Even Yumichika wasn't as irritatingly productive as usual; Kenpachi glanced up from the loose pile of miscellaneous forms in front of him and caught him staring out the open door, watching the rain beat down on the rock garden outside while the anguished cries of a Yachiru-sitting Ikkaku filled the next room.

Kenpachi looked back at the form in his hand - something about "notification of achieving shikai" - and the phrasing reminded him of something he'd been meaning to ask about for a couple of weeks. "Hey, you," he said, "what the hell is your shikai, anyway?"

"Ah, well," Yumichika said. "I don't show it to just anyone, you know..."

"Pretty sure you're supposed to show your captain."

"Perhaps someday when you've been very, very good," said Yumichika, but his smile was thin and sharp as a blade, a smile meant for an enemy, and he turned back to the table and the paperwork without another word.

For the first time, Kenpachi seriously considered how little he knew about Yumichika. That the bastard liked purple flowers and thought the number four was ugly, that he was good at handling the day-to-day crap of running a division, that he liked fighting but apparently not with his captain... Just little shit, nothing important like the things he knew about Yachiru and Ikkaku. Yumichika was hard to figure out; he always wiggled his way out of questions and didn't give anything away in a fight, and half the time he didn't make any fucking sense at all.

Oh, well. Good thing there was always plenty of paperwork.

**Author's Note:**

> Title, naturally, adapted from the most excellent but somewhat lacking in Eleventh Division series of books by Lemony Snicket. Many thanks to my helpful BFF and last-minute beta, IraeNicole!


End file.
